May my depression rest in peace
Ended up in the ER last night because I started to have a meltdown. I feel like nobody is listening to me, nobody understands me, and I don’t even understand myself unfortunately . I was stuck in a small cubed room with only a few chairs…doctors coming in and out of the room to evaluate me. I omitted myself to the hospital last night because my doctor wouldn’t get back to me fast enough…and i needed someone to tell me what was wrong with me.
Shadows in my mind like to flashback, and I can’t get rid of them. Childhood memories will haunt me forever. I wish I was stronger when I was little and wish I understood why my father was so depressed and why he wanted to kill us all off. Why he had to hurt our animals in front of us? Why my mother couldn’t leave when we were younger. We lived with the abuse for 12 years…..12 years of fucking mind torture.
I am mad at myself for marrying a douchebag but atleast I got away from the bastard…but hate how I just into a worse situation and I allowed myself to do this. WHY couldn’t I listen to my mother, I could have had so much better. This is were I think i resent my children because it just isn’t a break up its a life change…..and I wasn’t ready to have kids..I was 19…and not ready…i wanted to just focused on working and schooling…but i have 2 children now and have learned to not to get knocked up.
I love my children and this is why I am getting help, because every child deserves a mentally healthy mother…and every mother deserves to love and nurture their children like she imagined she would when she was pregnant.
It may be a little late for therapy but I am going to find out the mystery as of why I am such an unhappy soul. I want to make a change and that first step was going to the ER…i am on prozac now and hopefully i can get myself to sign up for counseling.
In the meantime….I am looking for a therapy kitty. Something i can hold that wont cry.
