May my depression rest in peace
Ended up in the ER last night because I started to have a meltdown. I feel like nobody is listening to me, nobody understands me, and I don’t even understand myself unfortunately . I was stuck in a small cubed room with only a few chairs…doctors coming in and out of the room to evaluate me. I omitted myself to the hospital last night because my doctor wouldn’t get back to me fast enough…and i needed someone to tell me what was wrong with me.
Shadows in my mind like to flashback, and I can’t get rid of them. Childhood memories will haunt me forever. I wish I was stronger when I was little and wish I understood why my father was so depressed and why he wanted to kill us all off. Why he had to hurt our animals in front of us? Why my mother couldn’t leave when we were younger. We lived with the abuse for 12 years…..12 years of fucking mind torture.
I am mad at myself for marrying a douchebag but atleast I got away from the bastard…but hate how I just into a worse situation and I allowed myself to do this. WHY couldn’t I listen to my mother, I could have had so much better. This is were I think i resent my children because it just isn’t a break up its a life change…..and I wasn’t ready to have kids..I was 19…and not ready…i wanted to just focused on working and schooling…but i have 2 children now and have learned to not to get knocked up.
I love my children and this is why I am getting help, because every child deserves a mentally healthy mother…and every mother deserves to love and nurture their children like she imagined she would when she was pregnant.
It may be a little late for therapy but I am going to find out the mystery as of why I am such an unhappy soul. I want to make a change and that first step was going to the ER…i am on prozac now and hopefully i can get myself to sign up for counseling.
In the meantime….I am looking for a therapy kitty. Something i can hold that wont cry.
Look at my new cha cha’s :)
I love them, they’re wonderful, ahahahha.
Anyways….its been about two months since my breakup with Zach.
I am pretty much fully healed to the point that my attitude turned a 180 “i hate my life” to ” I don’t give a fuck about him”
I still talk to his mother and he still cares about Honour and I.
I have moved on and I have met someone else.
He has a kiddo who is two years old..so if we decide to date I think it would be awesome for Honour to have a playmate.
Today I am going bra shopping to see what bra size I am. So, far I am not fitting into a 34 C. yaaay. Hopefully a 34 d =D…dd???
Today’s the day where I am going to go to my plastic surgeon to finally see what they’re going to recommend for my body.
Yes, I’m getting boob implants to boost up my self image.
People tell me I’m going to be sorry, but this is something I want and
if anything I always learn from my mistakes.
My body, my world, my happiness.
Going under the knife is going to be scary…cutting the muscle and shoving in saline filled little plastic bags.
I’m following the trend among women and I don’t want people to say “you’re beautiful how you are” Yeah. Pretty face…okay body…but…no boobs man.
I’m suppose to be a woman…I feel like I’m stuck in a young womans body.
Experience life is what I always tell myself. I’m that girl who will do anything out of nowhere just to see what life would be like and to experience as much as I can. No people I’m not talking about sex, drugs..whatever.
My boyfriend just broke up with me and I have sooo much emotional distress I can’t even eat or drink a bit of water without puking my living guts up. His ex contacted him and in the last week things have went to shit. He’s still my friend just because I love him so much…I just can’t believe this happened. I am tired of pleasing people, and tired of trying to make myself happy by dating. That’s obviously not the answer…right? right.
I am going in for thearpy because their is so much dirt left behind from my ex husband. I have all these things stuck in the back of my head to where I can’t live a happy life…
I am moving back to my moms house since I lost everything…My apartment and van because I sold my van to my sister…and whatnot
Boob implants will make me feel better something I have always wanted…and they’re coming my way…May 6th is when i go in for a consultation to see what size I want. I’m following the hollywood trend by updating my look with saline.
Oh..and I joined suicide girls…
Boob JOb
Saving money to get a boob job! Need like 2000 more to get them done.
34b turning into 34D. =D
Sounds lovely. lol
Family
I need to write more often…sorry guys…Yet again…it’s because I have a life now…a better one. Anyways…posting time…
Honour is learning and growing everyday, and today she actually drank from a straw. I can’t believe she is going to be a year and a half on saturday. Crazy. She really is going to be growing up before my eyes. She learns something new each day….
My sister Heather and her fiance brian moved in with Zachie and I. It’s been interesting and heather..last night blew up over nothing last night. She’s been rude and I knew this would have happened…but if she doesn’t knock the crap off…then out she goes,…right?
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